cowsrule97's Xanga

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:12:56 GMT

Sadness

Why are things happening to all my friends parents right now? Really? More than one friends mom has had cancer this year, one of them died from it. Ryan’s mom had freak medical complications and died a month ago, when I was up there to celebrate his 30th birthday. That was hard. I just found out another friend’s dad is in the hospital, got that news this evening then the call that another friends mom passed away tonight. This is hard, really hard, I don’t want to see my friends in this much pain, it’s not right or fair, but that is life. And I wish I could do something to help them through this, but there is nothing I can do but offer moral support, a shoulder to cry on, listen if they need to talk, but I can’t heal the pain. And after Ryan’s mom died I had and still have lots of pain. When I lived in Rapid she treated me like part of the family, made me feel welcome, was a person I could talk to, and now she is gone. I know how much I hurt, I can’t even begin to fathom how Ryan feels. If something happened to my parents, if it had been my mom or dad…I just don’t know what I would do. And now another close friend is going through the loss of his mom too. And just like with Ryan I wish I could do more, I wish I could have just stayed in Rapid with Ryan to be there to help him through this, but I couldn’t. I wish I could run to my other friend right now and help him through this, but I can’t. I want to drive to where he is and just be there for him, hold his hand, give him a big hug and just let him cry. And another friend with her dad in the hospital… And I just wish I knew something to say to help with the pain. I have friends that always know what to say to make anyone feel better with anything and I am just worthless, at a loss for words, but I do know nothing I could say would make the pain go away, nothing would make it all better.

And work has turned into a nightmare which started a week ago. Due to some serious BS I may lose my job, I don’t want to go into it, I just pisses me off, but work has had me so stressed I could barley sleep until later in the week when I started to give into pure exhaustion. I am still stressed about it, but honestly, I am doing my best and that is all I can do, the rest is out of my hands.

But I do have a good thing going on tomorrow, a wedding to go to. Weddings are good, seeing two people in love starting their life together. It reminds me not all is bad in the world, not everything is death and sorrow and loss and stress. Love is there too.

“Vacation”

Mon, 12 May 2008 22:32:18 GMT

“Vacation”

So for those of you who do not know already, I am on a little “vacation” form work at the moment. Basically the grant that pays me ran out of money for the year and can only pay us part time until July 1 when we get more grant money and can all get paid full time again. So instead of firing any of us, we all get to be on what is called a furlough. Basically I work part time and only get paid part time, but am still a full time employee as far as having benefits and earning vacation and sick leave and all that. The furlough started today and goes until June 30th, so seven weeks one day. Of this time I can only work for 15 days and 5 hours. I do get Memorial day as a paid holiday too. So basically during this time period I would normally be paid for 36 days and work 35 of them (paid for the holiday), but now I work 15 days 5 hours of them and get paid for 16 days 5 hours. But I do qualify for unemployment because this is a kind of temporary layoff thing and I am now counted as underemployed. And to get unemployment, I have to work full weeks and then have full ones off.

Today I worked a full 8 hours and do not go back to work until next Tuesday. So my work week is over if anyone wants to hang out during the week. For once I can go out drinking at 11:30 on a Tuesday for example! Or go to a museum during the day. Or whatever! So let me know if you want to hang out.

For those that want to try to follow it, here is when I work the next few weeks: May 20-23, June 9-13, and June 23-30.

I have off (including weekends) May 13-19, May 24-June 8th (yep 2 weeks off, in a row!), June 14-22.

At work we are staggering when we are there and not so that we have the office covered.

It is so odd that this is the only day I work this week. I have not had time off like this since I got this job 2 years ago, and admittedly, it is kind of nice. I mean not getting paid sucks, but I do get unemployment and I am glad for my tax returns and that economic stimulus check. If not for those things I would be hurting money wise, but with them I actually come out as still getting a bit of a tax refund so yay!? I am also working the last part of the furlough, so it makes it so I only have three checks that are smaller instead of 4. It is just those three are even smaller, but I feel I am not affected as long that way.

I have tried to find all the positives from this. I still have a job, I get free vacation time, not using up vacation days on some things I would have, so that means more to use later! Financially I will be OK. More time with friends and family, I can finally unpack this place! I may be able to sneak in a trip to see someone. I am trying to not get mad at the situation and really don’t want to because it is wasted anger, nothing I can do about it so why not find the silver lining and make the most out of the situation? I mean the work break will actually be nice. This is the time of year for a break like this with the weather getting warmer and all. All my friends are getting their summer break from college so I get one too! I have been working the last two years solid with no break like this when I was used to one every summer and that long Christmas break, and a Spring break every other year of my life since I was 5! I was missing that. I know in a job like mine that is how it goes, and in most peoples job, no breaks like back when you were in school, and I accept that with my job, but now I get one so hell ya I am making the most of it! I will be OK with money, more so than I was the last few years of college in the summer, or during the school year for that matter.

It is still weird though and I keep thinking that someone is going to tell me it is a big joke and when I don’t go into work for a week all hell will break lose. It is still sinking in that I get to keep my job, benefits and what not and they are giving me a vacation! Unpaid true, but still, time off!

So anyway, let me know if you want to do anything during the week. I am excited to do things that I normally can’t because of work, so help me celebrate my furlough!

Jodie :)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:06:46 GMT

Two years later…

So have you ever sat back and looked at your life and thought, how the hell did I get here? I am today. Today marks my two anniversary with Department of Labor, and it is so hard to believe it has been that long! So much has happened to me since I have moved to Lincoln. It has been crazy! To think of all I have learned with work the last two years, and the fact that I am now working at the job there I first got rejected for is so crazy to me. I still can't believe sometimes that I am a Research Analyst II now and in a completely different unit. And I am loving it! I have moved up the pay scale pretty quickly from when I started too, which amazes me. And today Bridget, who I meet two years ago when we both started at DOL in the same unit on the same day was back visiting her parents and we had lunch. And we decided on the cafeteria in the capital where we first had lunch together on that first day two years ago, weird hun? Especially since she now lives in Virginia Beach! Such timing! It was so great to see her and catch up on things. I really miss her. I think I need to plan another visit out there…

And speaking of travels…Two years ago I had never been on a plane and was told that I would most likely be going to Chicago for a training in April. I was so excited! My first work trip and to Chicago! How cool is that? Little did I know I would also be going to Seattle for a training a few months later where I got to go to the 40th anniversary Star trek convention for free! Then rent a car and drive to Portland to see David! And who would have known that I would have a fun week in KC for work training another after getting back from Seattle? Then in July go to Washington DC! Then rent a car in DC and take off to Virginia Beach to see Bridget and finally get to see the ocean for the first time! Then in December to get a promotion and a trip to Salt Lake City for training? I cannot believe how much I have gotten to travel for work and how may places I got to see that I had never been to before.

And now, tomorrow I am having another adventure that if you would have told me I would be going on 8 years ago, 2 years ago, hell even 1 year ago I would have told you no way! I am off to Chicago to see Travis for the weekend. I can't believe I am flying off to Chicago for the weekend! I know for some people this is perfectly normal, but remember I am the girl that 2 years ago had never been on a plane. Our family vacations were places we could drive to. I have traveled for work further than ever before in my life. And now I am flying for a fun trip, a weekend trip! I can hardly believe it! And to see Travis, of all people Travis! I had no idea that when I said good bye to him 8 years ago when he joined the Coast Guard that I would be flying from Lincoln to Chicago to meet up with him and hang out all weekend. And tomorrow marks exactly 8 years since he joined. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday and my friend Jason's birthday who I know from high school.

I still can't believe my life sometimes. I am so excited for my trip! And it was so good to see Bridget today and will be so great to see Travis tomorrow! I can't wait!

Jodie :)

Caucus!

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 02:23:25 GMT

I am very excited for tomorrow because it is the first ever caucus for Nebraska Democrats! I have been debating for weeks now on who to support and have been trying to avoid the media on the candidates and did a bunch of research and reading on my own and have made my choice on Obama. I think Hillary’s stance on No Child Left Behind helped kick me over the edge… (OK and many other issues, but those that know me well know my strong feelings about that piece of legislation…)

Anyway, I am all about people making their own decisions and making informed choices when it comes to politics and not just following the popular candidate or registering Republican (OK, or Democrat) just because their parents are, or instantly hating a candidate because of who they are married to with out looking to see if you may or may not agree with them on the issues. I am obviously a Democrat and liberal, but I have decided on the party on my own by reading about the candidates on both sides and seeing who I agree with the most and how important those issues are to me. I don’t care who you support or if you do decide to actually be a republican, as long as you made the decision on your own and looked at all your choices.

This year in addition to actually going to the candidates web pages like I always do, I found a great web site that is easy to use and read and understand that helped me lots and wanted to encourage everyone to check it out. It is http://www.politicalbase.com/ I really liked the grid feature of the candidates and their stance on the issues. I even did some cross checking to make sure they were reporting the candidates positions and the issues correctly and I found no discrepancies in what I looked at. It also seemed like they did a good job and a neutral job discussing the issues and the pros and cons. I highly recommend everyone go check it out, and my Nebraska friends should do it now! Especially the Democrats!

Democrats go to your caucus tomorrow! DO IT! Support your choice, whoever your pick, but go out and do it! And republicans, check out the Democrats, you may like what you see, and if you do, go caucus! You register there and change your party and still participate, AND you can switch back to being a Republican before the primary too! Oh, and Democrats, we still get to vote in the primary, so make sure to do both this year! This is a chance for everyone to make their voice heard and to take part in our political system, this is history for the state, don’t you want to be part of it?

Jodie

Find your location and info here:
http://www.nebraskademocrats.org/

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 00:57:23 GMT

Collage:

Oh yeah, we meet again
It's like we never left
Time in between was just a dream
Did we leave this place?

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you

I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
So far away
Been far away for far too long

But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

You never really leave my mind
Are you the love of my lifetime?

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart

you are someone else
i am still right here

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

i just want something
i just want something i can never have

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:43:09 GMT

Ramble on…

So I have had a great year so far and I am happy. I am thinking things are looking up for me for sure. I am so glad I took my new job. It is so less stressful and I can tell I am happier with it. I come home in a good mood, not wanting to kill things because of “germy”. So glad I don’t have to work with her anymore!!! So glad my job is no longer constant stress and a never-ending flow of deadlines. I know I will still have deadlines, but they are not going to be as constant and pressing as before. I will actually get to complete tasks in my new job as opposed to just barley getting by. I hated never feeling like anything was done.

I am also doing what I knew I would eventually be doing, and that is being happy that Phil and I broke up. Looking back, even when it was good, it was a constant feeling that it was going to end at any moment and I was going to make some mistake and he would leave. It was also a feeling like I was just there to make him happy and he came and went in my life as he wanted. Looking back I had the blinders on and just ignored these things that really bothered me and that I wanted to address. I was happy enough with him, but not as much as I should have been. I felt like I had to sacrifice part of me for the relationship and I should not have to feel that way when dating someone. I am also glad it ended when it did because if it had drug on, I would not have gotten to see Travis and renew that very important friendship in my life. I have talked to him so much in the last few months, even before Phil and I broke up and I know if the breakup had not happened, he would not have come to visit and I really needed that visit. Travis helped remind me of parts of myself I have almost forgotten I have. I have been feeling myself slipping away over the last few years and I have been not really feeling truly like me for a long time and Travis helped me find the missing pieces to help make me whole again.

I look back to how I was a month ago and I feel so foolish for the tears and the anger, and I know most of those feelings were not towards Phil, but towards me for being so foolish for hanging onto the relationship for those last few months when I knew it was over, for being so angry at him when it was not really his fault, and admittedly, for ruining a friendship by dating him. I was also mad at myself for how I used the relationship as an escape for how miserable I was at work at the time. My job was really going nowhere, the work environment was hostile and I was starting dreading getting up to go into work every morning because I knew I would get beat down. I did try to change my attitude about the constant beat downs and I did start to just laugh about it, but deep down I knew it was getting to me. I knew that and was upset about all of it and looking for a distraction and along came Phil. Again, I am not saying I was unhappy with him at all, we had lots of good times, but I was unfair to him and asking too much of him to keep me distracted from my work frustrations. I was not as strong on my own as I should have been or as I know I can be. Also not saying it is not OK to be weak from time to time and let people help you out, but it was wrong to put all my hopes of happiness in him. I just hope he will someday be friends with me again. My anger from a month ago was over all of this and so were the tears and the pain. I am now admitting to myself my behavior and I am accepting that I did act that way and I am going to try not to do it again and learn from all of this. Oh, and curse my knowledge of Psychology, damn bachelors degree…

I know some people may be thinking that I am now placing Travis in the same place I put Phil, but I am not, trust me. I am letting him remind me of me and give me advice that I am taking in and applying to my life. I am remembering how much I love to just randomly drive around town for no reason just to explore. I am reminded how much I like spontaneous road trips to crazy destinations like dive bars in North Omaha. I am reminded that even without him here I can still go on random adventures around town. I am reminded of my hobbies and my interests and even found a new one while he was here. I am reminded to have fun and not care so much about what others think and that it is OK to like things that are unconventional.

I am happy and I feel actually happy, not just like I think I should feel happy. I am getting back into things I like and have missed.

Jodie :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 23:42:47 GMT

Moving up…

Happy news! I got one of the jobs I applied for! I will still be working at the Department of Labor, but now I will be working in a slightly different area. My new title is Research Analyst II, so I move up from a I to a II. I am going to have a different supervisor and a boss, but that is OK. I am also making more money, so that is always good. I will get to go out into the community and give some presentations, so that will be fun. I also got the job where I am going to be editing Trends, but I think I can handle it. I am excited for the new job, a bit nervous, kind of scared, a bit sad, but overall happy. My official start date is December 10^th, I could have picked Monday, but decided to still be committed full time to my current unit a bit longer. My current supervisor is also going to be working my new one to help me transition a bit longer. The big concern is with benchmark, and our RO rep is actually having us rearrange the instructions so that I can do as much as possible before I leave. I actually found out about the job yesterday, but had to keep it from everyone at work until the official announcement was made, so I also had to keep it from my blogs since I know some work related people read it. Yesterday and today I felt like a double agent! The other exciting thing about the new job is that my first day will actually be in Salt Lake City! That is because I am being sent to a training right away for a week. I get to learn about short term industry projections. Well, I would write more, but I have tons to do to get ready for the holiday.

Jodie :)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 22:42:51 GMT

Halloween and jobs

I got an interview! I got the call today to schedule an interview for the Research Analyst II position that closed last week. The interview is on November 14th. Wish me luck again! I also decided to apply for the other RA II position that closed today, I figured I might as well, the job is so similar and the questioner is exactly the same as for the other one, so I basically had everything ready for it, so it took hardly any extra effort on my part. I figured, why not?

October is going better now and I am excited that tomorrow is Halloween, even if I am not doing anything special for it, I still like the day. I guess at work we are doing secret ghost and that is always fun. I got the last of my stuff for it today. We are also doing a chili feed thing for lunch and I am making cookies for it, so also something a bit different. I did get to celebrate the holiday on Friday at the Halloween party. It was fun and I got to see some people I had not seen in a while, which is always good. For those dying to know that cannot tell from my pictures, I dressed as a naughty school girl. It was fun and something different from my usual con type costumes. I was going to try to make it up to Wayne for the Haunted House, but again it did not work out this year. Hope people put up lots of pictures and appreciate the nice weather we have had for it this year compared to some years…. Well, got to go bake and carve my pumpkin! I am so excited to carve my pumpkin! I have dot done so for so many years and am very excited! I will have to take pictures. I may be really ambitious and make pumpkin seeds too! Have not had those in forever!

Happy Halloween everyone!

Jodie :)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 04:32:50 GMT

wish me luck!

OK, so I am going to do it, I am applying for a different job at work! I have told some of you about it. It is an research analyst II position and I am currently a I. It would mean a lot of things if I got it. One, new bosses, more money, no more working directly on the BLS programs, me having to start all over in a new job. But I think I would be mad at myself if I did not try for it, even thought I have had some hesitations. Funny thing is that all three (kind of four) jobs I had first applied for at DOL have been up for grabs in the last few months. The first one I applied for and got an interview for was the Economist position-open again and I am not applying this time. For one, I think the requirements are stricter this time, and I don’t think I qualify anymore, and second, not sure how happy or confident, mostly confident I would be in the position. I do appreciate those who suggested I apply though, I feel good that you have confidence in me. The money on that one is much better too, but I just don’t think it is for me. The second, and kind of third position I applied for was the one I am applying for tomorrow, the RA II position. When I applied, and got my interview, the first time around there were two positions open. They ended up only having the money to fill one position back then. Now there are two positions open again! This time one person got promoted to supervisor and one person got a job somewhere else, so the jobs both opened up. I think I will end up applying for both, the other closes next week, but admittedly I would rather have the one that closes tomorrow. I was really dragging my feet on the whole thing, but then working on the stuff tonight and re-reading the job posting, I had a hard time with my usual technique of highlighting my strengths out of the description because, well, not to sound vain, but all the things listed were strong points for me! I also discovered that the questions are exactly the same as last time with one question added that was super easy to answer! I just used the same answers and added on my new stuff from my current job. I also was reading over all my old answers and thinking of how much I miss that kind of work. This position would be much more like what I did in Wayne, which I loved and I like to think I am good at. Now I am getting a bit excited about the idea. I did have a few people at work tell me I would be perfect at the job and I should apply right after we heard about the promotion and I think I will be glad I did. I think some of my hesitation has been due to felling like I would be letting my current team down and leaving some stuff half finished, but honestly it would always feel like that with my current job and I have to think of myself and where I might be the happiest, and doing my best, and not to sound brainwashed, fit the best for the company and utilize my skills to the fullest. Still terrified I may get the job and terrified I may not, but hey, at least I will still have a job either way! But I can’t help being a bit optimistic since I did get an interview last time, and my boss once admitted I interviewed better for the RA II job last time than for the job I got, so who knows. Still don’t want to get my hopes up too much though, but can’t think negative either. Well, I really need to get to bed, wish me luck!

Jodie :)

Friday, August 10, 2007

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:49:18 GMT

Happiness

I am all around feeling great! It is almost my birthday, which is awesome! I also did some searching on Facebook today and found a bunch of people I have not seen or heard from or of for years! I also got e-mails and phone calls form a few people I have not seen or talked to or even heard from in years! I also got to see so many people I had not seen in quite awhile at Matt and Jen’s wedding. Which reminds me, I have not even written about how much fun I had at their wedding! It was so awesome to get to be part of their special day and I honestly have to say that I could not think of two people more perfect for each other. The wedding was beautiful and Jen looked so amazing! Her dress was just stunning and she looked just radiant! Matt cleans up nice as well! So do all the members of the wedding party. The entire day was so great, and I was glad that Phil came with me and that everyone approves of him :) The entire day I just kept thinking about all the good times I have had with the whole group of people that were at the wedding and that after all the changes in all of our lives and all the bumps in the road in some of the friendships that we can still all get together and have fun and celebrate such a happy event. Even after all the time that has passed since some of us have talked or seen each other it was like the old group was back together and the newer people who were there just blended in perfectly. It really was a perfect day. Thank you Matt and Jen for giving us such a good reason to all get together. I am so happy for you both and I do wish you a lifetime of happiness and love.

It really feels good to reconnect with people all around and I have been blessed in the last few weeks to do so with so many people. I am also blessed that so many people want to reconnect with me. I am also reminded of some people I have to work harder on my end to keep in touch with. I mean I have unlimited long distance minutes for a reason! :P I really do feel blessed to have meet such wonderful people in my life, I have to say that each and every one of my friends are truly amazing and I am so glad to have all of them in my life. I have no idea how I have been able to have so many cool , interesting, wonderful, caring, amazing, awesome, I could go on and on, people who want to hang out with me and be my friend. So for all of you friends of mine, you rock and thanks for being there and being a friend!

So sorry for the touchy feely blog, but I just had to.

Jodie :)